I wanted to tell them

I was a seventeen-year-old dirty-pretty poetry wallflower; I wanted to go to hell. I didn’t think it was fair that this God got to sit on his high throne while I was dealing with monsters and fighting unseen wars alone. So I tore off the braids, and drowned in stylish suicidal denial, and I shaved off my red hair…after I dropped out of high school — -I stayed home for awhile….

I wanted to tell them I was well, as I only temporarily sacrificed my sanity in a messed up world for drama queens and charlatans for superficial powers in the false monopoly board pyramid dream scheme crashing towers repeating false flag operation. They robbed me of my rights to write in symbolic scribbles in the mental hospitalization…where my ideas were chipped away like china on the dark summer day that I cried — am I allowed to cry for the irony of all that you call mad — was I sad, a bad daughter, a slaughtered dream, or a divine delusion deterred from her fictional destination, inherent destiny deferred Here — take this jagged puzzle riddle whats missing from me 12341234

Dream in catatonic fibs, ignore the subliminal messages in foreign speech from the Mcdonald’s microwave radiation, a criminal so adorable unstable as she is unwell and mentally ill — thorazine drips drip drip drop, she feels the stinging needles in her veins…dope me up so I can forget the shouting voice of my lunatic father in my head —stop Im sorry I wished he was dead once when he said my eyes pierced his heart like a knife, like my life — -like a soul that screams out freedom under sedation in the soundless mutation of a mentally conditioned population. I can feel your heart stop beating…when you hit me in my head — and your heart broke instead…but at least you’re not dead yet.

as my fists are flailing at the white walls, I kick the chair across the halls and my parents just stare as they restrain me in the emergency room in the ER in the emergency room in the ER and the haldol is kicking me in the highways stretch out thin before me like a thin IV line, a man who could put me under him with the touch of a button with a nurse’s middle finger to my fucked up life and this is how a beautiful girl became the perfect house wife.Red-hair-freak-show clown Bald bitch in a hospital gown go go go go
no no no no one will ever know
what I don’t even know not sure I want to know just make his screaming
just stop screaming stop screaming that Im such a fucking joke.

I think you have mistaken me for someone else on the otherside
The one who didn’t survive and saved the world for no reason at all…
and everyone under the sun…
this little glitch this bitch has come undone
I am not your son, but I sure as hell am one.

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